Have you ever lost a friend either through death or drifting apart? I am certain we all have—the sorrow and sadness can run quite deep. Sadly, there isn't a term for friendship grief like widow or orphan, but the feelings are no less, and the loss is something to acknowledge. I have had many losses in my life. I said goodbye to childhood friends as my parents moved from state to state. In my adult years, friends moved away, some remained in touch (thanks to social media and cellphones) others drifted out to sea with the tide, back and forth, showing up here and there. This past month, I said goodbye to a dear friend of 25 years, she arrived in heaven with joy. It never gets easy to say goodbye. After long hours together, laughs and tears, time together in God’s Word, dinner dates, and living life together, the season comes to an end. Grief sets in. It can take your breath away, leaving the body and soul aching for what was. You may be wondering, “How did this happen? Our relationship was easy, fun—but now it has changed. I just don’t understand. Any loss that comes from death, moving, life changes, or simply drifting apart is change. At times it feels that if one more person close to me leaves— I will break- but I won't, I believe that. God has created me for so much more. The breaking drives me to Him. He holds us together. He wants us with Him- for always.
Understanding the Issue
God has designed us for relationships. God himself experiences ongoing intimacy within the Trinity. In turn, He has created us for connection, for friendship. In the beginning, Adam experienced human connection; even in God’s perfected presence, it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Our God gives good gifts, and one of these gifts is other humans to know and love. The early church also understood the close community. Acts 2:42 describes how they interacted. “And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers... And all who believed were together and had all things in common.” Community and friendships enrich our lives, giving meaning and purpose in ways that living in isolation will not. Relationships glorify God. We were designed for relationships. God never intended us to be alone.
However, sometimes, even often, we take the beauty of friendship with another person and expect it to fill us in ways only God is meant to. Specifically, female friendships can break down deeply— sometimes permanently. And this pain is so very common among all ages and can be hard to understand and shepherd someone through. At some point in each relationship, we must evaluate the relationship— does this friendship enhance life or does it hinder growth- and when does it become unbalanced? “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior (Hislop 22). When the familiar pattern of friendships that brought security, identity, companionship, and joy shifts, it can cause feelings of grief. At times, they often reveal deeper roots that stem from past patterns of neglect, trauma, or identity confusion. These feelings become indicators of the depth of our faith, the hole that God desires to fill in us. All relationships are purposed to either drive us closer to HIm or drive us away from Him, but none are intended to take the place of HIm. To what extent are we filling the hole with others that God alone intends to fill? Yes, we were created for a relationship with Him first and others second. What do you say to a woman who has lost a friend, who is wounded from an abandoned relationship, and who is navigating a new normal? How do you walk in a new way while still in contact with the old? How do we shepherd through the pain and loss of broken friendships? How do you encourage true forgiveness even without reconciliation?
No woman intends to “look for and find someone to take God’s place.” However, we all, by trial and error, find what works for a season to fill us relationally. Our self-focused goal is primarily to minimize our current discomfort and maximize the experience of acceptance and love. Interestingly enough, if our lives are motivated by avoiding abandonment or seeking acceptance and approval, we relate in ways that flow from an empty heart, mainly concerned with itself rather than with God or others. If we enter into a relationship at this point, we deceive ourselves and think it will continually satisfy us. We begin to find ways to manage it so we don’t experience the sting of loneliness (or abandonment) again(Freeman). Friendship breakups are real grief. Losing a friend can feel like a divorce—but without social acknowledgment. In the 1940’s Abraham Maslow famed the “Hierarchy of Needs” which focused on human effort for growth. His pyramid is used by many as a way to level (1-5) human responses and motivation. The ‘base’ needs are our physiological needs (ie food, water, shelter). Level two is safety. Level three is our need for love and belonging (ie, love, family, friends) and Level four is our need for self-esteem, who we are (identity, uniqueness, confidence) and even desire for approval from others— seeking their respect in order to access our value. Problems occur when we confuse levels three and four. When close (temporal) friendships fill the need of belonging and love, they, in turn, determine our identity and value. When we leave God out of the hierarchy, we neglect the very Creator who alone is able to meet all of our needs.
In her book Estranged, Barash reports that 80% of the women in her study believe their closest female friends can save them from anxious moments. What a tall order, and certainly one we will fail at over and over. Jesus reminds us that IN HIM alone we will find our peace (Ephesians 2:14), and he meets every need (Philippians 4:19). In fact, in our weakness, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Every unhealthy relationship starts with relational disappointment. Every relationship finds its breaking point in assumptions, unmet expectations, and miscommunication. As women, we desire devotion, but as humans, we will let each other down. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). At some point every one of us have either been the one who leaves and feels guilt or relief or we have been the one left and felt rejection and confusion. Both sides, must determine if this is an estranged relationship (Barash) and learn how to navigate forward in the change and grief. After spending time in Barash's book and in the definition of ‘estranged,’ I agree with the term as a descriptor for these friendships. In its simplest terms, the word "estranged" means a breakdown in a relationship. How do we shepherd women in pain impacted by friendship failure and estrangement? Not all friendships are healthy; they can be draining in identity and confidence, and cause emotions to lead us away from the truth. How do we help women who have experienced patterns of unhealthy friendships mature in faith and move into healthy friendships? How do we depend on the only one who is forever faithful, even when others are faithless? (2 Timothy 2:13) How do we forgive one another in the midst of such pain?
Shepherding insights
Shepherding women who have experienced pain and grief within relationships takes time. As shepherds, we must be slow to speak and acknowledge the reality of their feelings and grief. Culture tells us that successful friendships are a prize. When the dynamics change, instead of accepting the difference, we may perceive failure and hear the message that ‘you are giving up on your friend’ or that you are being rude and distant in the relationship. But not all friendships are healthy. Some are harmful (jealous, competitive, critical, diminishing, or disloyal). A woman in this type of friendship may not notice it at first. To keep the peace, they value loyalty, and even though the relationship is damaging, they continue because “good friends don’t leave.”
Each woman's healing journey is unique and should not be compared with other women's. It is important to realize that women struggle with friendship in every stage of life.
Shepherds must love the sheep they are shepherding by listening to their whole story, learning the context and dynamics of the wounded friendship, and leaning into Jesus for insight and counsel—pointing the counselee to Him and Him alone. While you listen, make note of life experiences, patterns of abandonment, positive and negative thought patterns. Hislop states that by laboring alongside her in prayer and presence, and by leading her through teaching and guidance, to forgive and be free. The wounded and grieving sheep will realize that her Good Shepherd fills the hole of relational needs that she has. Shepherds need to be bold in asking the hard questions, drawing attention to her expectations, asking about her own responsibilities for the change, and inquiring whether she is desperately grasping for what was in the past rather than accepting the present. Often, what was the center of the relationship (common ground) might now be shaken- it is not holding up anymore. When there is no commond groud Ie: singleness, young children, parenting, work, etc., we want what we want, and we won't let go, even if it hurts more to hold on. Shepherd, determine whether the woman is resistant to change, knowing that change causes grief. We may not realize that, instead of experiencing the grief, we grab tighter, hoping for the perfect friendship – forever sisterhood to occur. Friendships are expected to flourish and not fail; a loss of a friend is acute, and we are taught not to give up and to persevere through life. But not all friendships are lifelong. Phillip Lopate, in His “On the death of friendship,” says, “the error is in our assumption that we will remain friends without a fixed limit. He writes that the waning of a friendship should be no more a mystery than mortality itself.” It is not always a failure to walk away. Growth sometimes requires release, not repair or passive resolve.
But what if you are the one being left? We never get used to being rejected- We all have struggled with “I don’t belong syndrome.” In fact, many women lack the confidence to begin relationships again due to past rejection or hurtful comments. We may never grow used to meanness, but eventually you grow numb to ‘not feel’ the sting of rejection and acknowledge the desire for acceptance. Further rejection only makes the previous strongholds deeper and the cycle continues.
“Rejection is one of our most powerful and destructive emotions. It may cause as much distress in the brain's pain center as an actual physical injury. This is why we use the term “hurt feelings” (Shepherding women in pain 163)
As shepherds, we want to guide our women to reimagine friendship, to know its limits, and to seek God first to fill the need that He created for relationship before we seek others. Seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). Instead of minimizing the pain, help the woman articulate the hurt and rejection by validating the grief without rushing to fix it. Grief takes time to heal and may need to be processed patiently. Ultimately, we want to allow Jesus to heal our hurts so that we can forgive. Forgiveness though, does not mean reconciliation, and it does not mean you trust the one who hurt you. As shepherds, we have to remember that we are shepherding hearts, not situations. Situations may change, people may go, but the Word of the Lord lasts forever and He will never fail.
Shepherding Quick Notes:
Start by naming the wound, and validate grief without rushing to fix it.
“This is real loss, it matters”
Help process the type of loss
Sudden or gradual, betrayal, drift, misalignment, are you hurt, relieved,
Discern: Repair or Release?
Signs to pursue repair: mutual humility, miscommunication, willingness from both sides
Signs to consider release repeated betrayal, disrespect, emotional manipulation, one-sided effort over time
Untangle identity from the Relationship
A woman may internalize, “I was not enough, “" I gave up” “I am hard to love,” “I did something wrong.”
Emphasize Identity in Christ alone, and that rejection does not mean they didn't contribute to the friendship. Identify circumstances outside of their control.
Walk them through the Grief, don’t skip it.
Shock, “What happened?”, anger, sadness, acceptance,
Address any Future Frienships and Fears.
Guardedness, distrust, withdrawal, walls built, protective instincts
Encourage them to be wise and open and not to let pain define the future.
Redefine that Friendship should be mutual, life-giving, and honest—not just long-standing encourage gradual rebuilding and community in groups and low-risk friendships.
Introduce Forgiveness Carefully
Not just forgive and move on, but releasing the friendship without bitterness and without requiring reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean restoration and trust!
GRACE for ALL PAIN
Grieve honestly
Reflect truthfully
Assess the relationship
Choose repair or release
Engage again wisely
Do’s and Don’ts for everyone who finds themselves facing loss
DO’s:
Do read your Bible often
Do pray often
Do share honestly with your friend
Do accept that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime
Do validate hurt and pain, and grief
Do ask if the friendship aligns with who you are now?
Do follow the Biblical pattern of conflict resolution (Matthew 18)
Do spread out the time you spend together
Do understand that God’s plan unfolds in the midst of pain
-Do acknowledge that the perception of your reality is what triggers your emotions. The perception is your reality (Hislop 22)
Do give space to Grieve
Do surrender expectations and forgive unmet expectations.
Do love
Do realize that leaving a friendship is one of the most difficult life circumstances.
Do realize that growth and self-knowledge come from letting go of a friend who has brought anguish (even if it did not start that way) and placing trust in Jesus to fill the need.
Do remove yourself from a friendship that is destructive
Do know what causes abandonment of friendships: divisive outsiders, dangerous behaviors, opposing values, ranking and or exclusion, disparagement, lies and secrets, jealousy, breach of trust.”
Do know that Christ is your source for healing
DONT’s:
Don’t stop reading God’s Word
Don’t stop praying for the other
Don’t hurry the grief
Don’t be quick to judge others' grief
Don't feel guilty when you lose touch due to life circumstances
Don’t encourage her to stay in a relationship that is wounding even more.
Don’t compare other close friends with what you have or don't have
Don’t dismiss and insist on moving on and letting go.
Don’t avoid one another
Don’t miss that Jesus suffered, that He was betrayed by a friend, and that He knows the same pain.
Don’t stay in a friendship because you don’t want to feel the pain of release
Don’t stay in a relationship that is hurtful and not helpful
Without God’s power, there is no transformation, no forgiveness, and no healing. As we draw closer to God and are not dependent on others or make idols of our friendships, we will experience His healing of our woundedness.